Growing pangs

For me.  The Mama.  Who always knew that her children would grow up.  Who has always shed easy tears about that fact.  Who takes pleasure in watching them grow, but saddens at the thought.  Who has very much learned in the past few years what the term 'bittersweet' means in regard to this subject! 

For the past 9 years, I've watched my oldest grow in an enviornment that has been sweet, and rewarding.  For a majority of those years, and days, and hours they hold, I've had the privilege of sending her off to our beloved Catholic school, where we have found a village that is so amazing and wonderful.  And I was so fortunate to see, yet again, the fruit of the education we chose for her.

Today she was initiated, so to speak, and given special privilege within our church...she was one of several 8th graders that placed ashes onto foreheads during the service today.  From this day on, she will also be a Eucharistic Minister, both at the school and at the church!  A rite of passage. 

I hadn't expected it today...I had sort of forgotten. 

And then, I saw her up there, preparing.

And of course, all I could see was my little girl, big blue eyes, round cheeked and dimpled...taking part in her first mass all those years ago in First Grade.  Probably struggling to read her lines a bit, beaming ear to ear about the fact that she was finally able, at that time, to take on a 'big kid' privilege. 

Yup, I cried.  Well...I did my best to let the tears silently come.  Had to squeeze my knees together, clasp my hands really hard, and bite my lip.  (So as not to have an 'ugly cry')  ;-)
(I knew this was coming...there will be lots of tears for the next few months during all of the graduation ceremonies, retreats, etc!)

Her eyes met mine, and I could read it all in them.  Sometimes she gives a half smile, and there's something about her look that says, "O no, hear she goes again...she's gonna cry...STOP mom!"  But not today.  There was a bit of compassion, a knowing that this was coming, and understanding and OK-ness.  Still a 1/2 smile!

I am thankful, so thankful, that this school has given her such confidence and pride.  I have always said that having the little ones see the big ones leading mass, and singing, and speaking helps so much with the confidence to be in front of a crowd.  These children have no problem being placed in front of a church full, or a gym full, and doing their thing.  It's really an amazing gift.

Next year, she'll be off to a public high school, my alma mater.  I'm thrilled for her to be spreading her wings and trying something different.  She is SO ready for this step! But after today, I had a sense of sadness that she'll be leaving this village behind.  No more saying grace with her whole class.  No more assemblies on Monday mornings, praying and singing blessings over people.  No more weekly mass in the little church that has seen her grow up, sitting with a younger prayer partner.

Now, she'll get to see just where that foundation will take her.  Spread her wings.  Fly.

I'm so excited for her!  It will be so fun for her!

But I'm a  little sad, too.

Bittersweet.